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Saturday, 17 November 2012

Pampering at the Parlour?

Social convention dictates that every girl will like going to the hairdressers, that they find it a treat, a luxury, something that they look forward to. For me, it is something which I dread, something which I don't look forward to; I would rather visit the dentist (some people's nightmare!) than go to the hairdressers!

The reason I hate visiting the hairdresser so much, is because every time I go, it always ends up going the same way. I feel I would have more fun tackling a flying hippopotamus than sitting that "swivelley"chair with that "plastic cloak" suffocating your comfort-ablity. 

Whenever I decide to go get my hair cut, I am always such the optimistic gorilla.

So, I always enthusiastically choose where I want to go this time (as it may be better than the place I went to last time... but it never is!). And within the first few footsteps in the salon, I feel nervous- I am filled with looks of judgement from everybody in there and it is not a place I would call my Wonderland!

I never know what style to go for, I always just want my hair trimmed (that's all!). But then I am dunked with a bucketful of questions from the hairdresser: "What side do you wear your fringe?... Do you want it choppy?... Do you want this treatment?..." And my answer to it all is "I DON'T KNOW! Just trim it!"

Then, there is the uncomfortable factor of small talk once you are in the chair. Usually, hairdressers are supposed to come up with it for themselves, but the ones I have been to have been so awkward and have been able to make a lion's den worse for me! 

What I always do though, is stipulate exactly how much I want off. Apparently, hairdressers' rulers aren't the same measurement as the rest of the universe! 1 inch to them is 3 inches to everyone else! This is why, I have resorted to showing them with my fingers how much I want off, because measurements just don't work! And then after all these questions and hard work of  explaining, I sit vulnerably in the Chair of Distress.

And. So. Many. Demands. From these hairdressers! "Head Down. Look right. Sit still. Get me some coffee!" (Okay, so I made the "Get me some coffee" up, but they might as well ask for it with all their demands!) 

Most of the time, I couldn't look worse than after I've been to the hairdresser. I hate the way they've done it. It's too short. They blow-dried and straightened it into the smithereen it is and now I have to go out into public with this newly-done disaster! It cost a fortune and all I want is some milk and cookies to cheer me up!

Then comes the horrible part. They bring out that nasty small mirror (To confirm your hatred of your new hair) but you have to convince them that you love it and are so happy with it and the tears in your eyes are from happiness! But what you really want to do is put a hoodie on so you don't have to deal with your new hair cut and go home!

Things don't get better when you get home. You go up to the closest mirror there is, just to check if it is as short as your remembered and styled in the completely wrong way. And everyone you talk to tries to convince you that it isn't that bad but through the mirror it starts to look worse and worse and worse until you start to over-react and think that your hair has turned into green slime of misery forever.... and this is only 5 minutes within the time you get back from the salon!

After all of this. You continue to look in the mirror on a daily basis for a few days, until one day you stare at your new hair-do and decide that actually it isn't that bad... You can live with it! 

And then you leave it to grow out until... The Next Dreaded Appointment!

(NOTE: A small amount of hairdressers think and act like this.)

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Modern World Techno Hates (Part 3)

I have decided to make 'Modern World Techno Hates' a trilogy. This will therefore be my last post in the series.

I was thinking about what I could possibly write about in my hatings of technology... There are just so many! And as I was thinking about it, my laptop had a spasm of memory overload and wouldn't do what I was telling it to! My next choice of techno-hate was clearly evident from this episode.

I am no fan of the superstar known as laptops... and I don't think laptops are a fan of me! I was astounded by the "portable computing devices known as 'laptops'" when they first came out, however I have now had my fair share of them and I am not impressed!

They are heated masses of technological failure- in my opinion. Flimsy with hinges of pretension. Nothing beats a desktop. They are indestructible, modern bricks of data.... I would happily build my technological PC house with them!

A year ago, I was using Skype with my 5 month old laptop. Heavily interested in my conversation, I decided that I would pleasure in a cup of tea. I went into the kitchen- carrying my laptop- and placed it down on the stove which was turned off. It was a surface stove so when it was off, it was like a table (a reason as to why I foolishly put a laptop on a stove). I wanted to get the perfect angle so I could continue with my conversation, only the back of the laptop pushed one of the dials on! My laptop was now cooking on the stove- without my consent! Within a minute, I smelt an aroma from the kitchen which was not luscious lemon-drizzle cake or tantalizing turkey but odorous plastic-melt!

The surface of my laptop was melting to a sticky sauce and without thinking, I saved it's life! I took it off just in time that it was still working, but would have damages for life! It would stand at a limp forever.

I bought mouse-pads (an accessory for my beloved desktop) and stuck it with adhesives at the bottom of my sickly laptop so that it had a crutch and was level on my desk. And this is the story of how I scarred my laptop with a foolish act, I could never do this with a desktop... The heaviness of the machine serves as a benefit to my stupidity, apparently!

I now use another, new laptop, however I have already broken the clips which hold the battery in. The laptop is shaking with nervousness, waiting for my next brainless act.

This is the reason why I hate laptops, it isn't their fault, but I will forever blame their slimline, light build!

'MEL! MEL! MEL!'... (Just desktops calling my name!)

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Modern World Techno Hates (Part 2)

I've been living my life since my last blog post and I thought the next 'Modern World Techno Hate' was quite obvious. I've been hating on it since I finished my last blog post. The second blog of the techno-hating series is about: Microwaves!!!

To some people microwaves may not seem like modern technology, but it totally is! I classify anything that cavemen didn't have as 'modern'- microwaves are like a spinning-heated, rum drum noised, carousel of modern-atty. 

My first problem with microwaves is their noise. It's a constant buzz of annoy-ity. Microwaves have been around for many, many years... Are you telling me that they haven't invented a silent one yet? Sometimes food takes a while in the microwave and for all that time there is a constant kitchen bee, buzzing around you the entire time!

Another problem, is that I don't think microwaves understand what you actually want heated up. I swear that every time I put a bowl of food in there to be heated up, the bowl comes out freaking hot and the food is still ice cold! How is that even possible? I'm sure that defies the actual reason as to why the microwave was invented in the first place!

Also, I see it as a ticking time bomb of kitchen explosion. It is so easy to turn a microwave on, and I think if nothing is in there, it explodes? Or does something like that. That is intense business. Or if you put anything metal in there, it just catches a light! It can't be that easy to burn your whole house down? I thought there would be a safer microwave made by now. All this does, is train people to be nervous-wrecks of fear and anxiety in their own house of captivity! This does not make for a welcoming environment at home!

And this is why I am hating on my microwave!

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... The noise of anxious-venom in your kitchen awaits!

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Modern World Techno Hates (Part 1)

I have decided to start a series of modern Earth technology.... uncontrollably fascinating,  I know! There is a lot to love about modern technology... and even more to hate about modern technology! So, let the hating fest of fire begin!

I bet you are wondering  , what will set this series off? I have been thinking, wondering and pondering about it and I have thought about which one of my possessions I want to throw against the wall most. And the answer is...


Years and years ago, we had these nifty Nokias that just called people! And if you were really fancy, you had the game- Snake on it! Now, you not only have like 5000 rubbish games on phones, but they do everything! Soon, I won't have to go to the toilet because there will be an app for it!!!

Every 5 seconds, I get a new notification from Facebook, or Twitter, or Whatsapp, or an Email or an Email from my second email address or my phone apparently just wants to say hello to me. But it never stops.

I am in a relationship. It is not a good one. It is long-term. It is needy. It is one that I can't end. And it is one with my phone.

Modern society dictates that you have to own and use a phone. But they have just gotten ridiculous. I don't want my phone acting like a ticking time bomb, waiting for my next notification. It connects you to so many people, yet disconnects you from most relationships.

I love to hate my phone! Take it away from me... and see how I die! But I will never be happy with it and it's constant nagging of notifications.

Ring, Ring... Ring, Ring.... "It's for you... ANOTHER NOTIFICATION! "